ALL CRAPPY GIFTS

Existential Crisis Duck Lamp

A squishy silicone duck, lying completely flat on its belly, radiating the quiet despair of someone who just remembered they have a 9am meeting tomorrow. Marketed as a cheerful rechargeable nursery night light for babies, it is somehow also the most emotionally accurate self-portrait you will ever plug into a USB port. Tap its back to cycle through three brightness levels, none of which will fix anything. Give it to a new parent, a stressed-out coworker, or anyone who has ever stared at the ceiling at 3am wondering what it all means. The duck already knows. The duck has known for a while.