ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Creative Cursing: A Mix 'n' Match Profanity Generator
A hardcover flip-book built around three spinning wheels of words that combine into increasingly deranged, expletive-adjacent insults — basically Mad Libs for people who have given up on being nice. Flip, align, and behold a sentence you will never actually have the nerve to say out loud to anyone. It sits on a shelf. It gets opened once at a party. It generates zero usable curses you didn't already know. A perfect white elephant gift for the relative who thinks they're edgy, delivered in the socially deniable format of 'well, it's just a book.'
Archie McPhee Emotional Support Chicken
A 13-inch soft vinyl chicken, zipped snugly into its own little nylon vest, deployed for the sole purpose of propping up your mental state in moments of crisis. It cannot speak, listen, or hold a job, and its combined life experience amounts to being squeezed by strangers in a novelty aisle. And yet: somehow it helps. Bring it to the DMV, a family dinner, or your next performance review. No paperwork, no training, no eye contact required — just a chicken in a vest, silently vibing at your side while everything falls apart around you both.
Demeter Dirt Cologne Spray
A real, shelf-stable fragrance whose entire creative brief was apparently 'bottle the smell of a Pennsylvania field after it rains.' Top notes of damp soil, a whisper of corn stalk, and the unmistakable aroma of having given up on smelling like a person. Spritz it on before a date, a job interview, or a long elevator ride, and watch everyone around you quietly reassess their life choices. It has been on the market since 2012, which means somewhere out there, people keep buying more of it on purpose.
The Annoying Present - Nested Screw Prank Gift Box
A gift box engineered for maximum suffering: ten boxes nested inside each other, every single one sealed with its own screw-top lid you have to twist off by hand before you can even think about reaching the next one. Stuff a $5 bill or a ring in the center and hand it over to someone you love exactly as much as you resent. By the seventh layer they will no longer be thanking you.
Dammit Doll - Classic Stress Relief Gag Gift
A limp cloth effigy of your own emotional regulation, sold with a cheesy stitched-on poem so you technically have permission to slam it against your desk every time life goes sideways. Squeeze it, throw it, dangle it by the ankles and scream the name on the label — it absorbs all of it and asks nothing in return, which already makes it a better listener than most of your coworkers. Comes in 'random color,' because the universe doesn't let you choose that either. Marketed as stress relief. Function as a $15 piece of fabric you're now emotionally attached to.
Jelly Belly BeanBoozled Spinner Jelly Bean Gift Box (7th Edition)
A candy dish reimagined as a game of Russian roulette for your taste buds. Spin the wheel, land on a flavor, and discover whether you've won Juicy Pear or lost spectacularly to something labeled 'Canned Dog Food,' 'Moldy Cheese,' or 'Barf.' Ten normal flavors, ten nightmare lookalikes, zero way to tell them apart until it's too late. The box even includes a 'flavor key' you will absolutely forget to check under social pressure. A gift for the person who has eaten regular jelly beans and found them insufficiently traumatic.
Take a Number!: A Tiny Ticket Dispenser
Finally, the bureaucratic thrill of a DMV waiting room, now available at your own desk. This RP Minis kit includes a genuine miniature deli-style ticket dispenser, a roll of numbered paper tickets, and a tiny illustrated manual on proper 'queue etiquette' — so you can formally make your spouse, roommate, or coworker take a number before they're allowed to interrupt you. It resolves zero real conflicts and introduces an entirely new one: a procedural one. Petty? Yes. Deeply, satisfyingly petty? Also yes.
Bofa Deez Nutz Scented Candle (Banana Nut Bread & Hazelnut Vanilla)
A hand-poured, double-layer candle that smells like banana nut bread on top and hazelnut vanilla underneath, housed in a jar whose name you will have to say out loud to the cashier, the gift recipient, and eventually, inevitably, your own mother. 40 hours of burn time is 40 hours you could spend doing literally anything else, but instead you'll be lighting a candle named after a middle-school joke on your dinner table and hoping guests don't ask what's on the label. It is, by all accounts, a perfectly pleasant-smelling candle. That is almost beside the point.
FunWares Porta Potty Shot Glasses (Set of 2)
Two miniature portable toilets, scaled down from the construction site to the coffee table, each one a fully functional 2oz shot glass. There is no plumbing, no blue chemical sloshing inside, and critically no smell — just a tiny plastic outhouse you drink out of, repeatedly, on purpose. Perfect for the bachelor party guest of honor, the retiring plumber, or anyone whose personality can be summed up as 'laughs at bathroom stuff, unapologetically.' Durable enough to survive a night of questionable decisions, though the manufacturer recommends hand-washing, because apparently porta-potties are delicate.
Original Poop Knife - Bathroom Humor Gag Gift
Finally, a tool purpose-built for a job nobody asked you to do. The Original Poop Knife is a sturdy, silicone-coated blade engineered to 'assist' with oversized bathroom deposits — because somebody looked at a butter knife and thought, 'this, but worse, and dishwasher safe.' It comes in its own gift-ready case, which somehow makes it more unsettling, not less. Deploy it at a white elephant exchange, slip it into someone's stocking, or leave it on a houseguest's bathroom counter and never, ever bring it up again.
Archie McPhee Racing Roaches - Set of 3
Three rubber cockroaches on wheels, because somewhere a grown adult looked at vermin and thought: motorsport. Pull each one back, let go, and watch plastic bugs skitter across the kitchen floor at speeds no real roach has ever needed to achieve. There is no track, no rulebook, and no explanation for why this needed to exist as a mass-produced consumer good — just three glossy, wind-up roaches sold as a set, ready to be deployed under a houseguest's chair or lined up for a championship nobody asked to host. Educational in the sense that it teaches everyone in the room to check their shoes before putting them back on.
WHAT DO YOU MEME? Emotional Support Fries Plush Set
A plush carton of five fake French fries, deployed solely to be hugged when real emotional support is too expensive or too far away. Comes with its own tiny carrying basket, because nothing says 'I have it together' like toting a basket of stuffed potatoes into a meeting. It will not lower your cortisol, does not pair with ketchup, and will absolutely confuse your dog.
Potty Fisher Toilet Fishing Game
Sitting on the toilet is nothing but wasted fishing time, and the Potty Fisher finally fixes that. Clip the tiny tank to the bowl, drop in four plastic fish that are contractually forbidden from ever biting, cast with the included mini rod, and hang the 'Do Not Disturb' sign so nobody interrupts your indoor angling session. No bait, no skill, no actual fish — just you, the bowl, and the quiet dignity of pretending this is a sport.
Archie McPhee Bigfoot Back Scratcher
Cryptozoology meets personal hygiene. This telescoping back scratcher extends from a modest 7-7/8" to a full 22" so you can finally reach that one unreachable itch between your shoulder blades, using the authentic-ish plastic foot of a creature that, as far as science is aware, does not exist. The stainless steel shaft has the structural integrity of a real backscratcher and the emotional resonance of a cryptid sighting. Bigfoot has spent decades evading trail cameras; the least he can do is scratch your back.
Witty Yeti Funny Shart Survival Kit
A pocket-sized tin for the moment your body betrays a promise your mouth made. Inside: wet wipes, a pair of disposable underwear, tissues, and a badge — an actual cloth badge — commemorating your survival, because apparently this deserves commemoration now. It is marketed as an "emergency kit," implying a level of institutional preparedness for a problem that, statistically, should remain a private matter between you and your intestines. Hand it to a coworker at the white elephant exchange and watch three decades of professional rapport evaporate in real time. The tin is reusable, which is either a thoughtful design choice or a dark joke about how often you'll need it again.
Big Mouth Billy Bass Motion-Activated Singing Sensation Fish
A dead plastic fish, mounted on a plaque, that comes alive the second you walk past it — flapping its tail and belting out 'I Will Survive' and 'Don't Worry Be Happy' whether you asked it to or not. Motion-activated, meaning it will absolutely go off at 2 a.m. when the cat walks by. Also works as a manual button-press for when you specifically want to relive 1999 on command. Mountable on a wall or propped on a shelf via the built-in easel, so you can display your regret prominently. Runs on four C batteries or an AC adapter, because a singing fish deserves options. Decades-old novelty, still somehow in production, still somehow selling. A timeless monument to the fact that someone, somewhere, thought a talking fish belonged in your living room — and they were right.
Realistic Mosquito Stamp Prank
A self-inking rubber stamp whose sole purpose in life is to convince someone they just got bitten and smacked a mosquito on their own arm. There is no second function. It does not organize your desk, water your plants, or justify its existence in any other way — it exists purely so you can slap a fake dead bug onto a coworker's forearm and watch them recoil. Comes with both 'live' and 'freshly squashed' mosquito imprints, for the full range of bug-related betrayal. A gift for the kind of person who thinks 'gotcha' is a personality trait.
Pee & Poo Plush Set – Scandinavian Design Novelty Duo
In 2004 a Swedish designer looked at human waste and thought, "this deserves plush representation," and so Pee and Poo were born: a lumpy yellow puddle with a face and a smiling brown swirl, sold as a matched set for people who have run out of normal things to put on a shelf. They are marketed, with a straight face, as 'potty training inspiration' and 'collectible desk decor,' which is the same trick as calling a whoopee cushion 'percussive furniture.' There is no plot. There is no joke beyond the initial premise. You will buy this, place it on your desk, and field the same conversation with every single visitor for the rest of your natural life. Scandinavian minimalism has never been this committed to a bit.
Witty Yeti Dehydrated Water 16oz Can
At last, a survival supply built for the truly prepared: a sealed 16oz steel can containing precisely zero milliliters of water, ready to be reconstituted by the ancient technique of 'adding water.' The label proudly boasts a 'New Formula,' which is a bold claim for a can of nothing, but we admire the confidence. Ideal for campers, hikers, and doomsday preppers who have exhausted every other gift idea and landed on 'troll them with an empty can.' No matter how much water you pour in, it stays exactly as dehydrated as the day it was manufactured, because there was never anything hydrate-able inside to begin with. Equal parts profound commentary on consumerism and a very well-made empty can. Comes recommended for white elephant parties, retirement send-offs, and anyone who insists they 'have everything.'
Joywhiz Cricket Noise Maker Prank with Remote Control
Some gag gifts deliver one joke and then sit in a drawer. This one is a subscription. Hide this thumb-sized noise box anywhere in your victim's home, car, or cubicle, then trigger a chirping cricket, a shrill beep, or a distressed scream from up to 30 feet away via remote control — on your schedule, not theirs. There is no pattern to learn, no way to find it by sound alone, and no off switch they know about. Marriages have survived worse. Barely. Give it to someone you love, in the way that also low-key means you want them to lose their mind for a week.
DR DINGUS Finger Hands - 10 Pack
Ten tiny rubber hands, sized precisely for your fingers and no other purpose on Earth. Slip one on and suddenly your index finger has fingernails, wrinkles, and better hand-eye coordination than the rest of your body. Designed for 'puppet shows,' but let's be honest: you're wearing these at your desk during a work call and hoping nobody notices. A premium, dermatologically pointless rubber accessory for a species that apparently needed more hands.
Pissed Potato Stress Ball - Emotional Support Hater Tater
Meet the only emotional support animal that resents you for existing. This squishy foam spud has been sculpted into a permanent scowl, presumably because it knows what happens to potatoes at dinnertime and has made peace with taking it out on you first. Squeeze it when your coworker microwaves fish, when your inbox hits triple digits, or when you simply need a root vegetable to judge you silently from a desk drawer. It offers zero productive advice, no actual therapy, and roughly 4.5 inches of pure tater rage. Deploy responsibly at the next team meeting.
Joker Greeting USB Cat Meow Prank
A USB stick whose sole purpose in life is to make everyone around you slowly question their sanity. Plug it into any powered port, hide it well, and within a few minutes it starts meowing from absolutely nowhere. Set it to meow every 5 minutes for full office-wide breakdown, or every 60 minutes if you enjoy a slower, more artisanal form of psychological torment. There is no cat. There will never be a cat. Just a tiny plastic liar in the wall socket, watching your coworkers crawl under desks looking for it.
Archie McPhee Handerpants - Underpants for Your Hands
Somewhere, an engineer looked at a perfectly good pair of briefs, looked down at their own hand, and decided the two belonged together forever. Handerpants are 95% cotton, 5% spandex hand-briefs — waistband, leg holes, and all — cut to fit an adult human hand instead of the body part they were clearly designed for. Slip a pair on to greet houseguests, answer the phone, or simply live your best life with fully-clothed fingers. They solve a problem nobody has ever had, which is presumably why they've stayed in continuous production for over a decade. The ideal gift for someone who already owns a rubber chicken and needs a matching accessory.