ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Creative Cursing: A Mix 'n' Match Profanity Generator
A hardcover flip-book built around three spinning wheels of words that combine into increasingly deranged, expletive-adjacent insults — basically Mad Libs for people who have given up on being nice. Flip, align, and behold a sentence you will never actually have the nerve to say out loud to anyone. It sits on a shelf. It gets opened once at a party. It generates zero usable curses you didn't already know. A perfect white elephant gift for the relative who thinks they're edgy, delivered in the socially deniable format of 'well, it's just a book.'
Demeter Dirt Cologne Spray
A real, shelf-stable fragrance whose entire creative brief was apparently 'bottle the smell of a Pennsylvania field after it rains.' Top notes of damp soil, a whisper of corn stalk, and the unmistakable aroma of having given up on smelling like a person. Spritz it on before a date, a job interview, or a long elevator ride, and watch everyone around you quietly reassess their life choices. It has been on the market since 2012, which means somewhere out there, people keep buying more of it on purpose.
The Annoying Present - Nested Screw Prank Gift Box
A gift box engineered for maximum suffering: ten boxes nested inside each other, every single one sealed with its own screw-top lid you have to twist off by hand before you can even think about reaching the next one. Stuff a $5 bill or a ring in the center and hand it over to someone you love exactly as much as you resent. By the seventh layer they will no longer be thanking you.
Jelly Belly BeanBoozled Spinner Jelly Bean Gift Box (7th Edition)
A candy dish reimagined as a game of Russian roulette for your taste buds. Spin the wheel, land on a flavor, and discover whether you've won Juicy Pear or lost spectacularly to something labeled 'Canned Dog Food,' 'Moldy Cheese,' or 'Barf.' Ten normal flavors, ten nightmare lookalikes, zero way to tell them apart until it's too late. The box even includes a 'flavor key' you will absolutely forget to check under social pressure. A gift for the person who has eaten regular jelly beans and found them insufficiently traumatic.
Take a Number!: A Tiny Ticket Dispenser
Finally, the bureaucratic thrill of a DMV waiting room, now available at your own desk. This RP Minis kit includes a genuine miniature deli-style ticket dispenser, a roll of numbered paper tickets, and a tiny illustrated manual on proper 'queue etiquette' — so you can formally make your spouse, roommate, or coworker take a number before they're allowed to interrupt you. It resolves zero real conflicts and introduces an entirely new one: a procedural one. Petty? Yes. Deeply, satisfyingly petty? Also yes.
Emoji Poop Mini Waffle Maker
Officially licensed by Emoji, because somewhere a brand manager signed a contract to put their name on this. This 4-inch electric iron turns ordinary batter into a perfectly smiling, steaming pile of waffle, non-stick plates included so the horror releases cleanly every time. Works with any standard waffle or pancake mix, which means there is no ingredient list that can save you from what you are about to serve at brunch. Comes with a recipe booklet nobody asked for and a breakfast table nobody will forget. A whimsical novelty for kids, a minor act of psychological warfare for adults.
Big Mouth Billy Bass Motion-Activated Singing Sensation Fish
A dead plastic fish, mounted on a plaque, that comes alive the second you walk past it — flapping its tail and belting out 'I Will Survive' and 'Don't Worry Be Happy' whether you asked it to or not. Motion-activated, meaning it will absolutely go off at 2 a.m. when the cat walks by. Also works as a manual button-press for when you specifically want to relive 1999 on command. Mountable on a wall or propped on a shelf via the built-in easel, so you can display your regret prominently. Runs on four C batteries or an AC adapter, because a singing fish deserves options. Decades-old novelty, still somehow in production, still somehow selling. A timeless monument to the fact that someone, somewhere, thought a talking fish belonged in your living room — and they were right.
Frienda Humping Dog Phone Charging Cable
Somewhere in a product design meeting, someone asked "what if a charging cable, but it also thrusts?" and instead of being escorted from the building, they were given a manufacturing budget. This Type-C cable comes with a small plastic dog affixed to the middle of the cord, and the moment you plug it in, the dog begins rhythmically humping the cable in a way no one asked for and everyone will notice. It still technically charges your phone, which is the closest thing to a redeeming feature it has. Marketed cheerfully as a "novelty gift" for back-to-school season, which is one way to describe handing a teenager a thrusting dog accessory for their phone. Whether the motion helps or hinders the actual data transfer speed is a mystery science will have to solve without our help.
Bacon Flavored Toothpaste
Real toothpaste, allegedly, flavored like smoked bacon and containing zero fluoride or cavity protection, because dental health was never really the point. Squeeze a ribbon of meat-adjacent paste onto your brush every morning and greet the day smelling like a diner griddle. Reviewers describe the scent as 'nailing' smoked bacon, which is either the highest compliment or the worst thing you've ever read about a hygiene product. Makes a phenomenal white elephant gift, a mediocre toothpaste, and an outstanding way to ruin your partner's morning breath forever.
Archie McPhee Yodeling Pickle
A five-inch rubber pickle that, at the press of a button, launches into a full, warbling yodel — because nothing says 'I was thinking of you' quite like gifting someone a vegetable with more vocal range than most touring musicians. It does not slice, brine, or garnish anything. It has exactly one function, and that function is yodeling, on command, indefinitely, until the AAA batteries or the recipient's patience gives out first. Ideal for office desks, family cabins, and any relationship that could use a little more sudden, inexplicable alarm.