ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Al Dente Singing Floating Pasta Timer
Somewhere, a German engineer got so personally offended by a soggy noodle that he built a floating plastic buoy to serenade you about it. Drop Al Dente into your pot of boiling water and it will bob there ominously until it decides your pasta is done, at which point it erupts into a tinny, barely-audible rendition of 'That's Amore' (3 minutes), 'The Godfather Theme' (7 minutes), 'Tarantella Napoletana' (9 minutes), or a prison chorus (11 minutes, presumably for anyone who let it get this far). Reviewers report the volume is so quiet you'll miss the concert entirely over the sound of your own stovetop, and the timing is more 'suggestion' than 'science', but it floats, it sings, and it judges your fusilli. A kitchen gadget that replaced a $0.50 egg timer with a waterproof music box. Magnificent.
Genuine Fred BIG BLUE Whale Strainer
A 13.5-inch plastic blue whale you lower, mouth-first, into a pot of boiling pasta water, then hoist back out dripping like you just landed Moby Dick with your bare hands. The pitch is that this spares you the trauma of pouring pasta through a colander. The reality is you now own a novelty cetacean that lives in a cupboard 361 days a year and demands two hands, forearm strength, and a high pain tolerance for scalding steam every time you want spaghetti. It is, genuinely, a worse way to drain pasta than the method it replaces — just with way more personality. Dishwasher safe, for the day you quietly go back to using a regular strainer.
Primitives by Kathy "Dog Hair Is Part of the Recipe" Spatula
A real, functional, double-sided silicone cooking spatula that has chosen, as its life's purpose, to remind everyone at the dinner table exactly what's been shedding near the stove. One side features a hand-illustrated dog mid-shake, flinging fur into the ether; the other reads, in full serif confidence, "Dog Hair Is Part Of The Recipe." It has a sturdy wood handle, a hanging hole for prime kitchen visibility, and absolutely no sense of shame. Hand wash only, which is good, because you will want to wash your hands after thinking about this too hard. A stocking stuffer for the dog owner who has fully surrendered to the bit.
Hutzler 571B Banana Slicer
A curved yellow plastic slab whose sole purpose on this earth is to turn one peeled banana into several banana-shaped segments, a feat your hands and any butter knife have been quietly accomplishing since the dawn of fruit. Place banana in cradle, press down, remove perfectly uniform slices, and briefly wonder why this step required a dedicated single-use kitchen appliance. Internet-famous for over a decade of deadpan Amazon reviews praising its 'military-grade' slicing precision and tactical banana-cutting capability. It does, reviewers insist, exactly what it claims to do. That is both the whole appeal and the entire problem.
Nostalgia Retro Pop-Up Hot Dog & Bun Toaster
Because the stove, the grill, the microwave, and your own two hands were apparently too versatile for the job of heating a hot dog. This single-purpose countertop appliance does exactly one thing: it toasts two hot dogs and two buns simultaneously, in a shiny retro-red shell designed to look like it survived a 1962 diner so you can pretend this was a design choice and not a bun-adjacent impulse buy. Comes with mini tongs, because touching your own hot dogs with your own fingers is apparently a bridge too far. Technically also works on chicken, turkey, veggie links, and brats, if you'd like to expand the scope of your regret. Reviewers report a satisfying grilled 'bark' on the dogs and a less satisfying tendency for the buns to blacken at the edges, which feels thematically appropriate for a gadget whose entire reason for being is cooking a food that's already pre-cooked.
Genuine Fred Pizza Boss 3000 Circular Saw Pizza Cutter
A pizza cutter shaped like a circular saw, because slicing a Domino's pie apparently needed to feel like a woodworking accident waiting to happen. The stainless steel blade genuinely works, which honestly undermines the whole bit. Ships with a removable safety shield, for the one time a guest tries to 'rip a 2x4' out of your Margherita.
Gracula Garlic Crusher - Twist-Top Vampire Garlic Press
A small plastic vampire head that you feed a clove of garlic to, twist, and watch ooze minced garlic out through two fang-shaped slits. It is, upsettingly, a perfectly competent garlic press — no finger-pinching hinge, no tiny holes to scrub out with a toothbrush, just a smirking undead nobleman doing his one job correctly. Also crushes ginger, nuts, and chilies, none of which asked to be processed by a Victorian bloodsucker. You will use it, it will work, and you will still feel a little unhinged explaining to dinner guests why Dracula is on your cutting board.
Emoji Poop Mini Waffle Maker
Officially licensed by Emoji, because somewhere a brand manager signed a contract to put their name on this. This 4-inch electric iron turns ordinary batter into a perfectly smiling, steaming pile of waffle, non-stick plates included so the horror releases cleanly every time. Works with any standard waffle or pancake mix, which means there is no ingredient list that can save you from what you are about to serve at brunch. Comes with a recipe booklet nobody asked for and a breakfast table nobody will forget. A whimsical novelty for kids, a minor act of psychological warfare for adults.
OTOTO Crabby Clip-On Pasta Strainer
A bright red silicone crab clamps its pincers onto the rim of your pot and holds a stainless steel mesh strainer over the water, because a normal colander in the sink was apparently too dignified a way to drain spaghetti. Crabby also flips over into a spoon rest, so this crustacean now has two jobs in your kitchen and you have zero remaining excuses for why there's a decorative sea creature living on your stove. It works. That's the most disappointing part.
OTOTO Nessie Loch Ness Monster Soup Ladle
Finally, a kitchen utensil willing to reenact Scotland's most famous unsolved mystery every time you make soup. Nessie is supposed to stand upright in your pot on her own two flippers, serene and cryptid-like, gazing out over a sea of minestrone. In practice, load the scoop with anything heavier than broth and the neck buckles, sending her face-first into the chili like she's given up on the whole 'legendary monster' bit. Dishwasher safe, heat resistant, and only mildly load-bearing. A gift for the person in your life who wants their ladle to have main character energy and questionable structural integrity in equal measure.
Eddingtons Egg Cuber
Nature spent millions of years perfecting the egg's aerodynamic, space-efficient, shell-stackable oval shape. This device exists specifically to undo that. Hard-boil an egg, peel it while it's still too hot to touch, wedge it into a screw-press chamber, and refrigerate it until it forcibly relaxes into a cube. The result is an egg that no longer rolls, no longer looks like an egg, and no longer fits in an egg cup. It does, however, sit very flatly on a sandwich, which is presumably the whole point, if there is one. Comes in a cheerful color so you remember why you bought it.
Banana Bunker Protective Case
A rigid plastic sheath engineered to protect a single banana from the horrors of your lunch bag. It is, structurally and visually, exactly what you think it is, and the manufacturer has never once acknowledged this. Give it to someone who needs their fruit defended and their mail carrier concerned.
Pirate Corkscrew
A tiny pirate whose only purpose in life is opening your wine. Arr, the existential dread.