ALL CRAPPY GIFTS

Genuine Fred BIG BLUE Whale Strainer

A 13.5-inch plastic blue whale you lower, mouth-first, into a pot of boiling pasta water, then hoist back out dripping like you just landed Moby Dick with your bare hands. The pitch is that this spares you the trauma of pouring pasta through a colander. The reality is you now own a novelty cetacean that lives in a cupboard 361 days a year and demands two hands, forearm strength, and a high pain tolerance for scalding steam every time you want spaghetti. It is, genuinely, a worse way to drain pasta than the method it replaces — just with way more personality. Dishwasher safe, for the day you quietly go back to using a regular strainer.