Pet Gifts Gifts
View All Gifts →Pug Tongue Tape Measure
Measure your life's mistakes in pug-tongue-lengths. Surprisingly functional, deeply unsettling.
Cat Butt Fridge Magnets
Immortalize your cat's least dignified angle in magnet form. They will never forgive you.
La Croix Squeaky Plush Dog Toy
Sparkling water, now with 100% more squeak and 0% flavor, which honestly tracks.
Nestpark Muttboro Doggy Cigs Plush Dog Toy
Three felt cigarettes zipped into a faux soft-pack, because the one thing your dog's enrichment routine was missing is a two-pack-a-day habit. Each "cig" squeaks, crinkles, and hides a treat inside the burrow pouch, so Fido can root around for kibble like he's patting himself down for a lighter. It will not get your dog addicted to nicotine. It will, however, guarantee that the first thing houseguests see on your living room floor is a chew toy shaped like a Marlboro. Bold branding choice for a Tuesday.
Archie McPhee Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats
Your cat did not ask to be a unicorn. Your cat does not want to be a unicorn. None of that matters once this 5.5-inch vinyl horn is strapped to its skull via a four-point elastic harness that it will spend the next ninety seconds trying to remove with increasingly violent head shakes. For one glorious photo before the inevitable, your ordinary housecat becomes a majestic, horned beast of legend — or, more accurately, a visibly furious animal wearing a party hat shaped like an ice cream cone. Durable enough to survive shipping, not durable enough to survive contact with a scratching post. A gift for the kind of person who views their pet's dignity as a renewable resource.
PUPROAR Pup Cup Tumbler Parody Plush Squeaky Dog Toy
Your dog has watched you carry a $45 insulated tumbler to the bathroom, the car, and bed for two years straight, and now it finally gets one of its own — a plush, squeaky, unmistakably-a-parody replica of the status symbol in question, complete with oversized handle and straw perfect for aggressive tug-of-war. It holds zero ounces of water and provides zero hydration, which, when you think about it, isn't that far off from the original's actual utility-to-hype ratio. Machine washable, for when the satire gets slobbery.
Skylety Chicken Safety Helmets, 8-Pack
Finally, the construction-site PPE your flock has been begging for. This 8-pack of miniature plastic hard hats straps onto a chicken's head with an adjustable elastic chin strap, because nothing says "robust workplace safety culture" like a hen pecking at gravel while wearing full headgear. The listing earnestly promises protection from "head and brain injuries," presumably from falling acorns, overzealous roosters, or a chicken's own questionable life choices. It also doubles as sun and rain shelter, in case your hens were complaining about the weather between shifts. Comes in eight mismatched colors and patterns so you can tell your workers apart during the next coop inspection. Does any chicken alive actually need this? No. Will every walk past the coop now require you to stop and stare in disbelief? Yes.
Bowser Beer for Dogs - Beef, Chicken & Pork Variety Pack (6-Pack)
Your dog has watched you crack open a cold one after a long day and has, in its own way, judged you for not sharing. Bowser Beer fixes that moral failing with a six-pack of non-alcoholic, non-carbonated, hop-free 'beer' brewed from malt barley and broth, because nothing says 'I respect you as an equal' like handing your Labrador a glass bottle shaped exactly like yours. It comes in Beef, Chicken, and Pork, which is somehow both more and less appetizing than it sounds. Pour it over kibble, pour it into a bowl, pour one out for the homies - your dog has officially graduated from 'good boy' to 'the guy who starts drama at the company picnic.' Just don't let him drive the car afterward. He has no license and also no thumbs.