ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Creative Cursing: A Mix 'n' Match Profanity Generator
A hardcover flip-book built around three spinning wheels of words that combine into increasingly deranged, expletive-adjacent insults — basically Mad Libs for people who have given up on being nice. Flip, align, and behold a sentence you will never actually have the nerve to say out loud to anyone. It sits on a shelf. It gets opened once at a party. It generates zero usable curses you didn't already know. A perfect white elephant gift for the relative who thinks they're edgy, delivered in the socially deniable format of 'well, it's just a book.'
Archie McPhee Emotional Support Chicken
A 13-inch soft vinyl chicken, zipped snugly into its own little nylon vest, deployed for the sole purpose of propping up your mental state in moments of crisis. It cannot speak, listen, or hold a job, and its combined life experience amounts to being squeezed by strangers in a novelty aisle. And yet: somehow it helps. Bring it to the DMV, a family dinner, or your next performance review. No paperwork, no training, no eye contact required — just a chicken in a vest, silently vibing at your side while everything falls apart around you both.
Banana Phone Bluetooth Handset
Yes, it is a fully functional Bluetooth handset. Yes, it is shaped exactly like a banana, down to the little brown tip. No, nobody asked for this, and yet here we all are, pressing a piece of foam fruit against our face to take phone calls in public. It pairs with both iPhone and Android, which means there is no modern device sophisticated enough to save you from the choice you are about to make. It was reportedly pitched on Shark Tank, where at least one shark presumably asked the obvious question and received no satisfying answer. Ships with a charging cable, because even a novelty banana needs to recharge eventually. Peels: zero. Dignity: also zero.
Al Dente Singing Floating Pasta Timer
Somewhere, a German engineer got so personally offended by a soggy noodle that he built a floating plastic buoy to serenade you about it. Drop Al Dente into your pot of boiling water and it will bob there ominously until it decides your pasta is done, at which point it erupts into a tinny, barely-audible rendition of 'That's Amore' (3 minutes), 'The Godfather Theme' (7 minutes), 'Tarantella Napoletana' (9 minutes), or a prison chorus (11 minutes, presumably for anyone who let it get this far). Reviewers report the volume is so quiet you'll miss the concert entirely over the sound of your own stovetop, and the timing is more 'suggestion' than 'science', but it floats, it sings, and it judges your fusilli. A kitchen gadget that replaced a $0.50 egg timer with a waterproof music box. Magnificent.
Genuine Fred BIG BLUE Whale Strainer
A 13.5-inch plastic blue whale you lower, mouth-first, into a pot of boiling pasta water, then hoist back out dripping like you just landed Moby Dick with your bare hands. The pitch is that this spares you the trauma of pouring pasta through a colander. The reality is you now own a novelty cetacean that lives in a cupboard 361 days a year and demands two hands, forearm strength, and a high pain tolerance for scalding steam every time you want spaghetti. It is, genuinely, a worse way to drain pasta than the method it replaces — just with way more personality. Dishwasher safe, for the day you quietly go back to using a regular strainer.
Skylety Chicken Safety Helmets, 8-Pack
Finally, the construction-site PPE your flock has been begging for. This 8-pack of miniature plastic hard hats straps onto a chicken's head with an adjustable elastic chin strap, because nothing says "robust workplace safety culture" like a hen pecking at gravel while wearing full headgear. The listing earnestly promises protection from "head and brain injuries," presumably from falling acorns, overzealous roosters, or a chicken's own questionable life choices. It also doubles as sun and rain shelter, in case your hens were complaining about the weather between shifts. Comes in eight mismatched colors and patterns so you can tell your workers apart during the next coop inspection. Does any chicken alive actually need this? No. Will every walk past the coop now require you to stop and stare in disbelief? Yes.
Hutzler 571B Banana Slicer
A curved yellow plastic slab whose sole purpose on this earth is to turn one peeled banana into several banana-shaped segments, a feat your hands and any butter knife have been quietly accomplishing since the dawn of fruit. Place banana in cradle, press down, remove perfectly uniform slices, and briefly wonder why this step required a dedicated single-use kitchen appliance. Internet-famous for over a decade of deadpan Amazon reviews praising its 'military-grade' slicing precision and tactical banana-cutting capability. It does, reviewers insist, exactly what it claims to do. That is both the whole appeal and the entire problem.
Bofa Deez Nutz Scented Candle (Banana Nut Bread & Hazelnut Vanilla)
A hand-poured, double-layer candle that smells like banana nut bread on top and hazelnut vanilla underneath, housed in a jar whose name you will have to say out loud to the cashier, the gift recipient, and eventually, inevitably, your own mother. 40 hours of burn time is 40 hours you could spend doing literally anything else, but instead you'll be lighting a candle named after a middle-school joke on your dinner table and hoping guests don't ask what's on the label. It is, by all accounts, a perfectly pleasant-smelling candle. That is almost beside the point.
IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light (As Seen on Shark Tank)
Your toilet bowl has never had this much personality. The IllumiBowl clips onto the rim and uses a motion sensor plus a light-detector to flood the bowl with color the instant you shuffle in at 3 a.m. — because apparently flipping a light switch was too much to ask of humanity. Pick one of 9 colors or let it cycle through all of them, turning every midnight bathroom trip into a tiny, unsolicited rave for an audience of one. Marketed as a potty-training aid and a fall-prevention device, which is a very dignified way of saying "nightlight for your toilet." As seen on Shark Tank, because somewhere a shark looked at a glowing toilet bowl and saw a business.
FALVFUN Car Air Vent Cymbal - Clip-On Mini Drum Crash Cymbal
A genuine miniature drum cymbal that clips onto your car's air vent so you can play a crash cymbal solo at every red light. No tools, no glue, no reason. The manufacturer helpfully suggests only playing it while parked, which tells you everything about how this toy performs while you're actually driving. Turns your Camry into a one-man band nobody asked for and everybody in the car will regret.
Gracula Garlic Crusher - Twist-Top Vampire Garlic Press
A small plastic vampire head that you feed a clove of garlic to, twist, and watch ooze minced garlic out through two fang-shaped slits. It is, upsettingly, a perfectly competent garlic press — no finger-pinching hinge, no tiny holes to scrub out with a toothbrush, just a smirking undead nobleman doing his one job correctly. Also crushes ginger, nuts, and chilies, none of which asked to be processed by a Victorian bloodsucker. You will use it, it will work, and you will still feel a little unhinged explaining to dinner guests why Dracula is on your cutting board.
WHAT DO YOU MEME? Emotional Support Fries Plush Set
A plush carton of five fake French fries, deployed solely to be hugged when real emotional support is too expensive or too far away. Comes with its own tiny carrying basket, because nothing says 'I have it together' like toting a basket of stuffed potatoes into a meeting. It will not lower your cortisol, does not pair with ketchup, and will absolutely confuse your dog.
Headlights for Crocs - LED Shoe Lights (2-Pack)
Your Crocs already announced to the world that you've given up on footwear as a form of self-expression. Now they can also announce it in the dark. Clip these two IP68-waterproof LED lights into the ventilation holes and transform your feet into a pair of tiny, rechargeable headlights, because apparently walking the dog at dusk was not humiliating enough on its own. Marketed for 'hiking, walking, and camping,' but let's be honest: you're wearing these to take the trash out and hoping the neighbors are asleep. A gift for the Crocs-loving dad who has already lost every other dignity battle.
Archie McPhee Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats
Your cat did not ask to be a unicorn. Your cat does not want to be a unicorn. None of that matters once this 5.5-inch vinyl horn is strapped to its skull via a four-point elastic harness that it will spend the next ninety seconds trying to remove with increasingly violent head shakes. For one glorious photo before the inevitable, your ordinary housecat becomes a majestic, horned beast of legend — or, more accurately, a visibly furious animal wearing a party hat shaped like an ice cream cone. Durable enough to survive shipping, not durable enough to survive contact with a scratching post. A gift for the kind of person who views their pet's dignity as a renewable resource.
Archie McPhee Bigfoot Back Scratcher
Cryptozoology meets personal hygiene. This telescoping back scratcher extends from a modest 7-7/8" to a full 22" so you can finally reach that one unreachable itch between your shoulder blades, using the authentic-ish plastic foot of a creature that, as far as science is aware, does not exist. The stainless steel shaft has the structural integrity of a real backscratcher and the emotional resonance of a cryptid sighting. Bigfoot has spent decades evading trail cameras; the least he can do is scratch your back.
Big Mouth Billy Bass Motion-Activated Singing Sensation Fish
A dead plastic fish, mounted on a plaque, that comes alive the second you walk past it — flapping its tail and belting out 'I Will Survive' and 'Don't Worry Be Happy' whether you asked it to or not. Motion-activated, meaning it will absolutely go off at 2 a.m. when the cat walks by. Also works as a manual button-press for when you specifically want to relive 1999 on command. Mountable on a wall or propped on a shelf via the built-in easel, so you can display your regret prominently. Runs on four C batteries or an AC adapter, because a singing fish deserves options. Decades-old novelty, still somehow in production, still somehow selling. A timeless monument to the fact that someone, somewhere, thought a talking fish belonged in your living room — and they were right.
Pee & Poo Plush Set – Scandinavian Design Novelty Duo
In 2004 a Swedish designer looked at human waste and thought, "this deserves plush representation," and so Pee and Poo were born: a lumpy yellow puddle with a face and a smiling brown swirl, sold as a matched set for people who have run out of normal things to put on a shelf. They are marketed, with a straight face, as 'potty training inspiration' and 'collectible desk decor,' which is the same trick as calling a whoopee cushion 'percussive furniture.' There is no plot. There is no joke beyond the initial premise. You will buy this, place it on your desk, and field the same conversation with every single visitor for the rest of your natural life. Scandinavian minimalism has never been this committed to a bit.
OTOTO Crabby Clip-On Pasta Strainer
A bright red silicone crab clamps its pincers onto the rim of your pot and holds a stainless steel mesh strainer over the water, because a normal colander in the sink was apparently too dignified a way to drain spaghetti. Crabby also flips over into a spoon rest, so this crustacean now has two jobs in your kitchen and you have zero remaining excuses for why there's a decorative sea creature living on your stove. It works. That's the most disappointing part.
YADILLO Giant USB Enter Key Pillow
A comically oversized plush 'Enter' key that plugs into your computer via USB and, when punched with the force of a man who just got cc'd on a reply-all, actually registers as an Enter keystroke. Marketed as a stress-relief tool for the overworked office drone; functionally a foam pillow shaped like a keyboard button that you will nap on face-down at 2pm. Works on Windows and Mac. Does not work on your actual problems.
Witty Yeti Dehydrated Water 16oz Can
At last, a survival supply built for the truly prepared: a sealed 16oz steel can containing precisely zero milliliters of water, ready to be reconstituted by the ancient technique of 'adding water.' The label proudly boasts a 'New Formula,' which is a bold claim for a can of nothing, but we admire the confidence. Ideal for campers, hikers, and doomsday preppers who have exhausted every other gift idea and landed on 'troll them with an empty can.' No matter how much water you pour in, it stays exactly as dehydrated as the day it was manufactured, because there was never anything hydrate-able inside to begin with. Equal parts profound commentary on consumerism and a very well-made empty can. Comes recommended for white elephant parties, retirement send-offs, and anyone who insists they 'have everything.'
DR DINGUS Finger Hands - 10 Pack
Ten tiny rubber hands, sized precisely for your fingers and no other purpose on Earth. Slip one on and suddenly your index finger has fingernails, wrinkles, and better hand-eye coordination than the rest of your body. Designed for 'puppet shows,' but let's be honest: you're wearing these at your desk during a work call and hoping nobody notices. A premium, dermatologically pointless rubber accessory for a species that apparently needed more hands.
Bob Ross Chia Pet
Grow a lumpy green afro on the beloved face of public television's calmest man. Just add water and watch "happy little chia sprouts" slowly erupt from a ceramic Bob Ross head over 1-2 weeks, transforming him from serene painting instructor into unsettling swamp creature. Comes with a seed pack and zero of the inner peace the real Bob Ross was known for. Perfect for the person on your list who already has too many mugs and not enough terracotta busts sprouting chia.
OTOTO Nessie Loch Ness Monster Soup Ladle
Finally, a kitchen utensil willing to reenact Scotland's most famous unsolved mystery every time you make soup. Nessie is supposed to stand upright in your pot on her own two flippers, serene and cryptid-like, gazing out over a sea of minestrone. In practice, load the scoop with anything heavier than broth and the neck buckles, sending her face-first into the chili like she's given up on the whole 'legendary monster' bit. Dishwasher safe, heat resistant, and only mildly load-bearing. A gift for the person in your life who wants their ladle to have main character energy and questionable structural integrity in equal measure.
Eddingtons Egg Cuber
Nature spent millions of years perfecting the egg's aerodynamic, space-efficient, shell-stackable oval shape. This device exists specifically to undo that. Hard-boil an egg, peel it while it's still too hot to touch, wedge it into a screw-press chamber, and refrigerate it until it forcibly relaxes into a cube. The result is an egg that no longer rolls, no longer looks like an egg, and no longer fits in an egg cup. It does, however, sit very flatly on a sandwich, which is presumably the whole point, if there is one. Comes in a cheerful color so you remember why you bought it.
Outlaw Unicorn Poop Soap
A single bar of handmade soap engineered to smell like the fever dream of a rainbow sherbet birthday cake, marketed under a name that guarantees at least one family member will refuse to touch it. Swirled with glitter that will relocate to your bathroom grout for the rest of your natural life, it is billed as the excrement of a mythical horse and somehow still outsells soap that doesn't claim to be feces. Buy it for someone you love, watch them Google "is this actually poop" before they read the label.
Archie McPhee Handerpants - Underpants for Your Hands
Somewhere, an engineer looked at a perfectly good pair of briefs, looked down at their own hand, and decided the two belonged together forever. Handerpants are 95% cotton, 5% spandex hand-briefs — waistband, leg holes, and all — cut to fit an adult human hand instead of the body part they were clearly designed for. Slip a pair on to greet houseguests, answer the phone, or simply live your best life with fully-clothed fingers. They solve a problem nobody has ever had, which is presumably why they've stayed in continuous production for over a decade. The ideal gift for someone who already owns a rubber chicken and needs a matching accessory.
Frienda Humping Dog Phone Charging Cable
Somewhere in a product design meeting, someone asked "what if a charging cable, but it also thrusts?" and instead of being escorted from the building, they were given a manufacturing budget. This Type-C cable comes with a small plastic dog affixed to the middle of the cord, and the moment you plug it in, the dog begins rhythmically humping the cable in a way no one asked for and everyone will notice. It still technically charges your phone, which is the closest thing to a redeeming feature it has. Marketed cheerfully as a "novelty gift" for back-to-school season, which is one way to describe handing a teenager a thrusting dog accessory for their phone. Whether the motion helps or hinders the actual data transfer speed is a mystery science will have to solve without our help.
Plant Life Support IV Bag Waterer
A miniature hospital IV bag that drips tap water into your houseplant instead of saline, because someone decided your ficus needed to look like it's in critical condition. Hang it, fill it, open the drip valve, and walk away for up to a week feeling like a very committed plant nurse. The unforgivable part: it actually keeps the plant alive, so you don't even get to return it out of spite.
CASOFU Burrito Tortilla Throw Blanket (71-Inch)
Somewhere along the line, humanity decided the pinnacle of comfort was looking like a 71-inch flour tortilla that gained sentience and self-esteem. This double-sided flannel disc lets you swaddle yourself into a convincing facsimile of a burrito, at which point your dog will attempt to eat you and your partner will question several life choices. It is, infuriatingly, also warm, soft, and genuinely cozy — a novelty gift that accidentally works, which is the worst kind. Machine washable, for when the illusion needs refreshing.
Bacon Flavored Toothpaste
Real toothpaste, allegedly, flavored like smoked bacon and containing zero fluoride or cavity protection, because dental health was never really the point. Squeeze a ribbon of meat-adjacent paste onto your brush every morning and greet the day smelling like a diner griddle. Reviewers describe the scent as 'nailing' smoked bacon, which is either the highest compliment or the worst thing you've ever read about a hygiene product. Makes a phenomenal white elephant gift, a mediocre toothpaste, and an outstanding way to ruin your partner's morning breath forever.
World's Smallest Violin Keychain (Plays Sad Music)
Someone in your life will not stop complaining, and words alone can no longer convey the depth of your indifference. Enter the World's Smallest Violin Keychain: a genuine miniature violin, small enough to vanish inside a clenched fist, that plays a tinny, mournful little dirge at the press of a button so you never again have to fake sympathy out loud. Clip it to a lanyard, a backpack, or the desk of a coworker who just told you about their commute again. It does not tune. It does not improve with practice. It exists solely to musically confirm that nobody cares, which, as gifts go, is oddly the most honest one on this entire site.
Archie McPhee Yodeling Pickle
A five-inch rubber pickle that, at the press of a button, launches into a full, warbling yodel — because nothing says 'I was thinking of you' quite like gifting someone a vegetable with more vocal range than most touring musicians. It does not slice, brine, or garnish anything. It has exactly one function, and that function is yodeling, on command, indefinitely, until the AAA batteries or the recipient's patience gives out first. Ideal for office desks, family cabins, and any relationship that could use a little more sudden, inexplicable alarm.
Banana-Scented Lip Balm
Smells like banana, tastes like regret, works fine as lip balm honestly.
Willy Warmer Novelty Knit
Because somewhere out there, someone's most sensitive area was cold and nobody asked why this was the solution.
Pirate Corkscrew
A tiny pirate whose only purpose in life is opening your wine. Arr, the existential dread.