ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Al Dente Singing Floating Pasta Timer
Somewhere, a German engineer got so personally offended by a soggy noodle that he built a floating plastic buoy to serenade you about it. Drop Al Dente into your pot of boiling water and it will bob there ominously until it decides your pasta is done, at which point it erupts into a tinny, barely-audible rendition of 'That's Amore' (3 minutes), 'The Godfather Theme' (7 minutes), 'Tarantella Napoletana' (9 minutes), or a prison chorus (11 minutes, presumably for anyone who let it get this far). Reviewers report the volume is so quiet you'll miss the concert entirely over the sound of your own stovetop, and the timing is more 'suggestion' than 'science', but it floats, it sings, and it judges your fusilli. A kitchen gadget that replaced a $0.50 egg timer with a waterproof music box. Magnificent.
Genuine Fred BIG BLUE Whale Strainer
A 13.5-inch plastic blue whale you lower, mouth-first, into a pot of boiling pasta water, then hoist back out dripping like you just landed Moby Dick with your bare hands. The pitch is that this spares you the trauma of pouring pasta through a colander. The reality is you now own a novelty cetacean that lives in a cupboard 361 days a year and demands two hands, forearm strength, and a high pain tolerance for scalding steam every time you want spaghetti. It is, genuinely, a worse way to drain pasta than the method it replaces — just with way more personality. Dishwasher safe, for the day you quietly go back to using a regular strainer.