ALL CRAPPY GIFTS

Witty Yeti Funny Shart Survival Kit

A pocket-sized tin for the moment your body betrays a promise your mouth made. Inside: wet wipes, a pair of disposable underwear, tissues, and a badge — an actual cloth badge — commemorating your survival, because apparently this deserves commemoration now. It is marketed as an "emergency kit," implying a level of institutional preparedness for a problem that, statistically, should remain a private matter between you and your intestines. Hand it to a coworker at the white elephant exchange and watch three decades of professional rapport evaporate in real time. The tin is reusable, which is either a thoughtful design choice or a dark joke about how often you'll need it again.