5 Weirdest Pet Gifts You Can Actually Buy

Pets give unconditional love. This is how we repay them: with plush cigarettes, inflatable horns, and tape measures shaped like their own faces. None of the five gifts below will improve your pet's life in any measurable way. All five will absolutely end up in your Instagram Stories.

1. Pug Tongue Tape Measure — A tape measure, except the housing is a pug's face and the measuring tape itself is the pug's tongue, which you pull out of its mouth to measure things. It is unsettling in a way that's hard to articulate until you've done it once, after which you will do it constantly, for no reason, in front of people who did not ask.

2. Cat Butt Fridge Magnets — Four magnets, each a different cat's rear end, each rendered in loving anatomical detail. They hold up approximately one (1) child's drawing each. Nobody who sees them on your fridge will ever bring up anything else that happened in your kitchen that day.

3. La Croix Squeaky Plush Dog Toy — A chew toy shaped like a can of flavored sparkling water, for a species that cannot read the flavor name and does not care that it's "natural." Your dog will destroy it in one afternoon with the same blank enthusiasm it brings to destroying literally anything else you own.

4. Nestpark Muttboro Doggy Cigs Plush Dog Toy — A squeaky toy shaped like a pack of cigarettes, for the dog in your life with a three-pack-a-day habit and no lungs to speak of. It is exactly as tasteless as it sounds, which is the entire point, and also why it will outsell every "orthopedic" dog bed on the internet.

5. Archie McPhee Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats — A strap-on inflatable horn that turns your cat into a unicorn for the twenty seconds before it removes the strap, removes several layers of your skin, and removes itself from the room. Get the video before you attempt this. You will only get one take.

Why these, and not a "nice" pet gift

A nice pet gift is a bed, a leash, a bag of treats shaped like treats. It gets used, it wears out, nobody remembers it. A plush pack of dog cigarettes gets photographed, argued about, and brought up at Thanksgiving three years later. That's the whole business model of this website: nobody needs this stuff, which is exactly why it gets bought, gifted, and never, ever forgotten.

If your pet could read this, it would ask you to return all five items and get it a second bed instead. Your pet cannot read. That's the gift, really — the gift to yourself.