ALL CRAPPY GIFTS

Gracula Garlic Crusher - Twist-Top Vampire Garlic Press

A small plastic vampire head that you feed a clove of garlic to, twist, and watch ooze minced garlic out through two fang-shaped slits. It is, upsettingly, a perfectly competent garlic press — no finger-pinching hinge, no tiny holes to scrub out with a toothbrush, just a smirking undead nobleman doing his one job correctly. Also crushes ginger, nuts, and chilies, none of which asked to be processed by a Victorian bloodsucker. You will use it, it will work, and you will still feel a little unhinged explaining to dinner guests why Dracula is on your cutting board.