ALL CRAPPY GIFTS
Browse our complete collection of hilariously terrible gifts. From useless gadgets to weird pet accessories — we've got it all!
Dammit Doll - Classic Stress Relief Gag Gift
A limp cloth effigy of your own emotional regulation, sold with a cheesy stitched-on poem so you technically have permission to slam it against your desk every time life goes sideways. Squeeze it, throw it, dangle it by the ankles and scream the name on the label — it absorbs all of it and asks nothing in return, which already makes it a better listener than most of your coworkers. Comes in 'random color,' because the universe doesn't let you choose that either. Marketed as stress relief. Function as a $15 piece of fabric you're now emotionally attached to.
Bofa Deez Nutz Scented Candle (Banana Nut Bread & Hazelnut Vanilla)
A hand-poured, double-layer candle that smells like banana nut bread on top and hazelnut vanilla underneath, housed in a jar whose name you will have to say out loud to the cashier, the gift recipient, and eventually, inevitably, your own mother. 40 hours of burn time is 40 hours you could spend doing literally anything else, but instead you'll be lighting a candle named after a middle-school joke on your dinner table and hoping guests don't ask what's on the label. It is, by all accounts, a perfectly pleasant-smelling candle. That is almost beside the point.
Original Poop Knife - Bathroom Humor Gag Gift
Finally, a tool purpose-built for a job nobody asked you to do. The Original Poop Knife is a sturdy, silicone-coated blade engineered to 'assist' with oversized bathroom deposits — because somebody looked at a butter knife and thought, 'this, but worse, and dishwasher safe.' It comes in its own gift-ready case, which somehow makes it more unsettling, not less. Deploy it at a white elephant exchange, slip it into someone's stocking, or leave it on a houseguest's bathroom counter and never, ever bring it up again.
Genuine Fred Pizza Boss 3000 Circular Saw Pizza Cutter
A pizza cutter shaped like a circular saw, because slicing a Domino's pie apparently needed to feel like a woodworking accident waiting to happen. The stainless steel blade genuinely works, which honestly undermines the whole bit. Ships with a removable safety shield, for the one time a guest tries to 'rip a 2x4' out of your Margherita.
Potty Fisher Toilet Fishing Game
Sitting on the toilet is nothing but wasted fishing time, and the Potty Fisher finally fixes that. Clip the tiny tank to the bowl, drop in four plastic fish that are contractually forbidden from ever biting, cast with the included mini rod, and hang the 'Do Not Disturb' sign so nobody interrupts your indoor angling session. No bait, no skill, no actual fish — just you, the bowl, and the quiet dignity of pretending this is a sport.
Witty Yeti Funny Shart Survival Kit
A pocket-sized tin for the moment your body betrays a promise your mouth made. Inside: wet wipes, a pair of disposable underwear, tissues, and a badge — an actual cloth badge — commemorating your survival, because apparently this deserves commemoration now. It is marketed as an "emergency kit," implying a level of institutional preparedness for a problem that, statistically, should remain a private matter between you and your intestines. Hand it to a coworker at the white elephant exchange and watch three decades of professional rapport evaporate in real time. The tin is reusable, which is either a thoughtful design choice or a dark joke about how often you'll need it again.
Witty Yeti Dehydrated Water 16oz Can
At last, a survival supply built for the truly prepared: a sealed 16oz steel can containing precisely zero milliliters of water, ready to be reconstituted by the ancient technique of 'adding water.' The label proudly boasts a 'New Formula,' which is a bold claim for a can of nothing, but we admire the confidence. Ideal for campers, hikers, and doomsday preppers who have exhausted every other gift idea and landed on 'troll them with an empty can.' No matter how much water you pour in, it stays exactly as dehydrated as the day it was manufactured, because there was never anything hydrate-able inside to begin with. Equal parts profound commentary on consumerism and a very well-made empty can. Comes recommended for white elephant parties, retirement send-offs, and anyone who insists they 'have everything.'
Bob Ross Chia Pet
Grow a lumpy green afro on the beloved face of public television's calmest man. Just add water and watch "happy little chia sprouts" slowly erupt from a ceramic Bob Ross head over 1-2 weeks, transforming him from serene painting instructor into unsettling swamp creature. Comes with a seed pack and zero of the inner peace the real Bob Ross was known for. Perfect for the person on your list who already has too many mugs and not enough terracotta busts sprouting chia.
Gears Out Blinker Fluid - Professional Grade Gag Gift
A gleaming steel tin, professionally labeled, boldly claiming to contain 32oz of "Blinker Fluid" — a substance that has never existed and never will, because turn signals do not use fluid, they use electricity, a fact this product depends entirely on the recipient forgetting. Inside: nothing. Just air, ambition, and the crushing weight of automotive shame. Rated for "100,000 blinks," which is a suspiciously precise number for a can of nothing. Hand it to a self-declared car guy, a father-in-law who "knows engines," or any mechanic who will pretend to already know this joke while quietly wondering if maybe, just maybe, blinkers do need topping off. They don't. Nobody's does. That's the whole bit.
CASOFU Burrito Tortilla Throw Blanket (71-Inch)
Somewhere along the line, humanity decided the pinnacle of comfort was looking like a 71-inch flour tortilla that gained sentience and self-esteem. This double-sided flannel disc lets you swaddle yourself into a convincing facsimile of a burrito, at which point your dog will attempt to eat you and your partner will question several life choices. It is, infuriatingly, also warm, soft, and genuinely cozy — a novelty gift that accidentally works, which is the worst kind. Machine washable, for when the illusion needs refreshing.
Farting Poop Pen (Classic)
A 9-inch plastic turd with a pen jammed through it, engineered to rip one of seven distinct fart sounds every time you click it. It also, technically, writes in black ink, though nobody buying this has ever used it to write anything. Ideal for the coworker who peaked in fourth grade, the white elephant exchange nobody wanted to host, or the stocking of a child you'd like to see banned from open-plan offices for the next fifteen years. Batteries included, dignity not.
Gears Out Gift of Emptiness Prank Box
A lavishly wrapped, suspiciously lightweight gift box that promises everything and delivers precisely nothing. Lift the lid and admire the void — expertly packaged with premium tissue paper so the disappointment reads as intentional. Ideal for the relative who insists they 'don't need anything,' because now, provably, they have received it. No batteries, assembly, or actual object of any kind required.